What is Women's Studies?

Last semester I won a Women's Studies Writing Contest.

Before that, I had no interest in Women's Studies. I was raised by an emotionally abusive radical feminist and I try to stay far from anything that would interest her. I suppose I fear becoming her.

Anyway, I took Women's Studies, because I thought that it may be something I was "good at", you know, because of the winning essay. When people ask me if I like the class I never know how to answer. What is there to like or dislike? What is Women's Studies?

My class is an intro class, so the subjects are broad and brief. We've watched films that define "feminist", a film on advertising as the enabler of violence "Killing Us Softly", and a film on perpetuating the macho "Tough Guise". We read selections on everything from rape, to lesbian identity, to native American identity, and tattoos. We even spent half of a class period looking at pornographic cites.

This is a big chunk of media for a girl who has no internet access, no cell phone, and no cable, and hasn't had in ten years or so...

So what did I learn? What do I leave with?

When I reflect on the essays I only recall bits and pieces. The films I watched in other classes. Our discussions usually begin with trite comments from girls younger than me, and my older, wiser feminist professor clenching her teeth and pushing out some reason through the cracks.

I have noticed that over the semester I began to see things differently. How or why or when this change came about is unclear, but my awareness is strengthened, broadened, is altered. When I see an ad, I don't think of Kilbourne or Dr. Kerby, I think for myself, I think about why it looks the way it does, and what that company is actually suggestively selling. And I can't turn it off.

I get offended. I rarely was offended by porn, misogyny, or sexy imagery. I used to be the girl who defended it. I still defend my bff whose a stripper, mom, and aspiring rock star. What happened to my "open mind"? Am I more open or becoming closed? And God! Am I becoming my mother???

If only I could go back to "boys will be boys", but I can't. It's too late. I've opened a flood gate.

My abusive ex-boyfriend was addicted to porn. Why didn't I connect these two attributes when they're so obvious? I didn't because I was shaped in a world that tells girls they need to be "cool", laid back, and understanding of male "needs". But now it seems so obvious that by making his ultimate end and idea of love a physical act, he was incapable of emotional love. He could only imitate it long enough to keep his toy around. And that's what I was, a toy. I was an object, because in porn, and advertising, tv, radio, music, GOD EVERYWHERE, women are objectified. We are literally being transformed everyday from a gender to an object. We depend on fleeting youth, pretty skin, fake hair, fake nails, fake tans, and clothes that will make us the ideal image for someone else. We're starving, sleepy, bruised, battered, and beaten down all to impress someone who wants a blow up doll.

And now that I see this I can't go back.

So am I pissed off? Yeah!

Look, I'm not gonna burn my bra, quit shaving my arm pits, or join the football team. Not that there's anything wrong with those lifestyle choices, but they didn't appeal to me before, nor do they now. I suppose I'm still myself (not my mother) just a new breed. Am I enlightened?

Well, I definitely feel like I am. I feel like someone pulled the shades and I'm seeing parts of my world I've never seen before.

I'm not sure what I'm advocating either. Women's Studies I'm sure isn't for everyone. College is expensive so we should all take what's beneficial for us individually, and I don't even know what benefits myself, much less could I recommend anything for anyone else.

I suppose I'm advocated the loathed word "feminism". A word the moral majority hates. A scary word that Rush Limbaugh has forever tied to butch, wickedness. I am advocating awareness.

What are my plans after this class?
I think I'm gonna drop my Women's Studies minor. I have two majors and a family and I need to get out of school, but I can't drop being a feminist (even if I wanted to). I will blog, and yell, and read Bitch Magazine, and argue, and discuss, and protest, and teach, and learn, and forever advocate awareness. Because that's who I am now.